When I die, fuck it, I wanna go to hell
Cuz I’m a piece of shit, it ain’t hard to fuckin tell
– “Suicidal Thoughts,” Notorious B.I.G.
Funerals are dumb. They are typically overly theatrical and overly expensive and overly stressful for the people who are most in need of the emotional support that funerals are supposed to offer. I’m pretty sure that we’re all on the same page about the fact that funerals are for the living rather than the dead, but as a future dead person myself, I would hope that the wishes of the recently departed would have some bearing on the not-so-festivities that take place in their honor.
My family all knows my feelings on this matter. I don’t want to be buried – burn my ass and do what you will with my ashes. Whatever is most meaningful to them works for me, as long as none of me ends up in Boston. Because fuck those racist motherfuckers.
Next, I expect them to spend next to no money on whatever they plan in the wake of my demise. Breaking the bank just because I died is simply unacceptable, and even if I don’t have a life insurance policy to help them out after I pass, I at least hope not to leave them worse off when I make my final exit.
Stop trying to fight the reaper, just relax and let it go
– “I Seen A Man Die,” Scarface
And finally, there must be both Mexican food and hip hop at any event held in my honor. I am particular to enchiladas and adobada tacos, but I suppose any Mexican food will do. The whole thing needs to be informal as hell, maybe buffet style in a back yard or some shit, and if people insist on talking they better pepper their speeches with copious amounts of curse words. That goes for my religious friends too, because if they really ever loved me, they would know how important this is to me.
As far as hip hop goes, there needs to be a bomb playlist to soundtrack my funeral. In this vein, I have a plan to make my send-off the musically fantabulous affair it deserves to be. I have prepared a collection of 50 songs that I consider my personal essential tracks, and I want there to be a game where people try to come up with as many of these tunes as possible. People can work individually or in groups, and I hope that there will be a considerable amount of arguing involved. I would also like for there to be a cash prize, but I’m still working on that part.
Bury me smiling, with G’s in pocket
Have a party at my funeral, let every rapper rock it
– “Life Goes On,” Tupac
When the winner is announced, confetti will fall from the sky – not sure how that will work if it’s outdoors but whatever – and someone must breakdance to California Love. (There’s a free one for you.) In lieu of flowers, I humbly request that you purchase a Spotify subscription in my name for children less fortunate than yourself who are in need of a streaming service. Because I can think of no better legacy for my sad little life than the gift of music to the next generation. En memoria eterna – Emilee J Woods, AKA the Great White Misanthrope, AKA Big Obsessive Compulsive. Thug life.
I’ll see you at the crossroads
– “Tha Crossroads,” Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Amen.
